I will die if light touches me.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This can only be settled by a dance off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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