smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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