He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
