The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
