his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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