we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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