I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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