mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
