i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
