Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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