How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
