I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
