clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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