You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
