sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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