okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
