Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
My vagina just recognized that song.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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