it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
