I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
