Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
