He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
