Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
3pm strippers are depressing
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
