Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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