i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
