so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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