The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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