apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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