I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
