The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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