She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
