My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
