so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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