There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
