3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
