I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
