Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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