You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
