Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
