I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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