I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
