I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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