I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
