i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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