I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
