How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
