A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
