Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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