You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
