you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
