I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Of course I have a pirate flag
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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