cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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