Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
