Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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