I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
