My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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