There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
