Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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