I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Acid is not a monday night drug
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
