Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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