there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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