i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
