he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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